As a parent, you’re responsible for a little person’s basic necessities; shelter, clothing and food. With kids, food you eat is the one basic need that’s in consent jeopardy of just being the meaningless sustinece you stuffed your face to live another day for these carbon-copy lunatics. Remember when food didn’t just come from your kitchen or takeout? Can you remember far enough back to when you and the love of your life would sit and dine at places with real silverware and tablecloths? (Ohh, CLOTH NAPKINS)! Where the silence of waiting for your salad was glorious? Where no one was fighting about crayons? Ah, those long lost days of the early 2010’s…
That said, there are those of us out there brave enough (does ‘absolutely bananas’ mean the same thing?) to actually take our kids out to dinner at places that don’t have a value menu. It can be done. I’ve seen it with my own eyes, but only the most advanced parents can actually “handle it”. Lucky for you, I’m an oversharer and willing to give you the benefit of my arcane knowledge.
Sure, get the lobster tail. See what happens.
Congrats. You’re out to dinner with the kids in tow and somehow managed not to make it to a place that serves baby back, baby back ribs or features Smiley face cookies as the chef’s signature dessert. But there’s a law, related to Murphy’s Law, that whatever gourmet treat you order will end up in your kid’s mouth. It’s the law of the jungle. Once, my wife and I celebrated our anniversary with surf and turf while the kids choose to dine on market price chicken fingers. Guess what? I got to watch the fruits of my loins go all under the sea and dine on Sebastian while we dipped our deep fried bird digits into BBQ sauce. If you tell them it’s good, they will devour it. Keep your mouth shut.
Lay down the rules.
Park the car and have a good talk. Don’t yell. Just tell the kiddos that if they don’t’ use manners at the table, respect the other diners around them or aren’t polite to the staff – Santa doesn’t love them. Teach your kids to respect other diners. Just don’t put the fear of dad into ‘em.
If they don’t eat it at home, guess what?
Sure, it’s cute that little Derek ordered steak tartare all by himself. But unless the apple of your eye likes eating raw meat in the comfort of your own home – who am I to judge – chances are that he’s not gonna dine on it when you’re paying big bucks for it. They call it the kids menu for a reason, right? Also, who do you think you are? Is your kid’s name Blue Ivy? Then order off the menu you can color on.
Be appropriate.
You might think it’s cute to have Junior sitting on the bar while you scarf down some Yings and Wings. After all, your pap did the same thing with you. Then again, he’d also drank a 6 pack of PBR, then drive you home. Ahh, memories. Look – no one is going to the bar to hang out with a six year old. And if they are, you may want to phone the authorities. Unless they start picking the spread flawlessly…
Some kids just can’t be tamed.
You ever see those parents calmly trying to make their little Antichrist simmer down to no avail and you said, “That’ll never be me?” Live up to your pledge. If your child pulls out the water works the minute he or she hunkers down in their booster seat, maybe you’d be better off ordering to go. Or giving your kid back to the hyenas that brought him out of that cave to you.
Watch your drink like a frat girl.
No, your kids aren’t gonna roofie you. Man, I hope they won’t (please, knock me out). But if you’re the kinda person that gets a fancy, fruity, full of color drink, I’ll bet your kid wants to take a sip. And I’ll double down and say they won’t ask you for permission. Unless you wanna see your preschooler take a breathalyzer test, heed my words. There’s also the threat of sucking up a piece of napkin or half-eaten chicken finger through your straw. Surprise! That’s not a lemon seed!
Some like it hot.
You know how they always say, “This plate is hot” and you laugh it off and then scald yourself? It stings when you’re in your mid 30’s. If you’re 2 or 3, that kinda pain is the kind of trauma that leads to deep seeded daddy issues later in life. Follow that waiter’s word of caution. You have my permission to swat small hands away. Repeatedly. Or let them touch it and make up a story of how he grabbed treasure out of a dragon’s mouth.
Just give up on hard to eat foods, OK?
How many times do I have to say ‘chicken fingers?’ You better love ‘em, because no matter how comfy that high chair is or how interesting that maze on the back of the menu is, your kid is gonna be in your lap by the end of the meal. And if you get something messy, like soup, you’ll be wearing it. And your kid will be, too. There’s nothing sadder than a 2-year-old dripping with French onion soup. Also, if you order your toddler soup, you deserve to have it running down your jeans.
Give up before you even get started.
What’s the matter with you anyway? Who do you think you are wanting to eat something NOT over the sink at 8:30 in the evening? YOU’RE A GROWN UP! You gotta do something for yourself sometimes! If you wanna pack up the gear, the toys, the wipes… just so you can eat a salad with fancy greens… follow your heart! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Comedian and Steel Valley native Aaron Kleiber will his new one-hour comedy special “No Vacations.” The show is being produced in association with Animal Media Group, a subsidiary of Animal Inc., and directed by Michael Killen, co-creator of ABC’s “Downward Dog.” The special will be filmed in front of a live audience during two shows at the Carnegie Library of Homestead on March 3, 2018. Tickets are available at http://www.aaronkleiber.com/.
This post is a sponsored collaboration between Aaron Kleiber and Good Food Pittsburgh’s advertising department.
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